homesick...

Perhaps it's still a bit early to jump to the word "homesick" but I can't really think of how else to describe it. A combination of remorse but not regret, longing but not pining, and an unusual state of being stuck in limbo.

Although I've always recognized that everyone needs time alone for self reflection and self emancipation, now is not one of those times for me. Or maybe it's been a long time coming, and now that it's here, I'm at a loss for how to handle it. To begin with, I don't feel like I'm doing a hell of a lot of self reflection, so in my mind, this is no different than dicking around unemployed.

I think the fact that I haven't really settled in makes things worse, since we don't move into our new place until October 1st. It's difficult to call a place home when you don't have your own space and a comfortable ritual to fall into. Although the usual wake up, wash your face, brush your teeth, etc morning ritual are still in place, it happens at different times of the day, and after that happens, my ritual falls apart and I'm not sure what to do with myself again.

I know that this can't be blamed on moving to Vancouver, but moreso that I've always been so busy keeping myself busy. In Edmonton, I never had fewer than 2 jobs at a time - working the 60 hour weeks, having the extra cash on hand - it was always a way to maintain a high strung, fast paced lifestyle. I never wanted to stay at home, and if I ever did, it was only a forced means of pacing myself for the next wind of non-stop activities to come.

In hindsight, maybe it's true what they say: this sort of lifestyle is incredibly draining on both your body and soul, and worst of all, you never know it until it's too late. I feel a pang of guilt knowing I've unknowingly imposed a persona of hard partying nights, gluttonous eating habits and excess unnecessary spending on my friends and those around me.

(image courtesy images.easyart.com)

I have never thought anything of ordering 10-20 shots in a row at a bar; to me, this was simply the norm and the quickest, funnest way to accomplish the small feat of getting everyone, who wanted to be drunk, utterly smashed. But when I think back about all the people who have called me or texted me the next morning telling me about how they spent the night with Princess Porcelain, I feel ashamed knowing that I felt proud to be that hard partying friend.

Trying to cut down on alcohol, but instead of feeling like I'm in control and limiting my drinking, I simply feel as though I'm holding back on what could be a spontaneous out of control night. To this day, regardless of how many embarrassing, stumbling, vomiting nights we've had, I still can't help but enjoy the humor and lack of inhibition associated with them.

Anyway, before this post gets any more morbid, I suppose I'd better head out and enjoy the sun while it lasts...

P.S. 

Oddly enough, I keep waking up with puffy eyes, or developing puffy eyes in the middle of the day. Can one cry without knowing it...?

Shoes of the day! Just got the Keep Benten Pretzels, check 'em out, they're super cute!!!

(\___/)
( '  v  ')b

(photo courtesy eukicks.com) 

you say goodbye, i say hello

You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go, go, go

I say high, you say low
You say why, and I say I don't know

You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello

As usual, after weeks of waiting and talking about it, it feels like time fast forwarded itself and suddenly the big move is less than a week away.


I finally got around to booking my ticket to Vancouver - I'll officially be departing:

Tuesday, Sept. 15 at 1:55pm, YEG -->YVR


Good job Natalia... 5 days left and no serious attempts at packing have been made. In all honesty, packing 2 suitcases cannot be said to be a bona fide obstacle, but to those who know... well, you know.


I started watching True Blood as a means to procrastinate and avoid the inevitable cleanup/deciding what shoes I "need" (personally, I think the words "shoes" and "need" are blasphemous in the same sentence, so clearly, this is a struggle with my morals).

I think I am going to just pack them all and worry about it later... I realize that, really, I'm just bringing all my heels and sneaks since I really have no flats I care for...
(the only thing that Vegas screwed me for... NEVER EVER EVER speak aloud what you want to buy/are looking for that day because you will NEVER EVER EVER find it. I thought Tammy was bluffing, but try it, you'll regret it. Those Fendi flats still haunt me in my dreams... T_T They look like this but in the traditional Fendi zucca canvas with a distressed brown leather buckle)



On the bright side though, check out the boy I am checking out while trying to pack! He plays an old evil vampire named Eric... I want to (o ^ 3^)/ * him!! Clearly conducive to packing... But isn't he just the most beautiful modern day James Dean?



Maggie found us a garden level suite in the Strathcona area, just east of downtown/Granville area. It's cute in a quaint sort of way, with enough space to accomodate any friends who might want to visit *HINT HINT*NUDGE NUDGE*. It's still pending, but this seems to be the best prospect so far...



I am considering staying until the end of 2010 Winter Olympics now; seems like there's partying and money to be had, so we'll see how that flies...

OK, the infamous to do list:

- PACK PACK PACK
- Get bloodwork done
- Check out BC healthcare
- Clean my room so that my mom doesn't hold a garage sale in my name
- Figure out how to cram my stuffed toys into my suitcase
- Figure out how to not scuff my beautiful shoes without bringing their boxes
- Get the Kiss and the white rabbit finished up
- PARTY PARTY PARTY

Definitely going out this weekend one last time while I'm here.
BE THERE OR REGRET BEING SQUARE.

VEGAS - i'm ocd, obviously

ok ok, so anyone who knows me knows that i obsess about things that i'm looking forward to, and obviously vegas is the big thing for june. (OH, and i also officially graduated today hahahahhaha, that was fun too :D - pictures to come)

i have decided on more things to bring...

- lace baby doll mini dress (i wore this today for my convocation! my mom thinks it's too short, in other words, perfect for vegas hahaha)

- grey tube halter mini dress and turquoise teal baggy t shirt dress (i got these both on a recent shopping trip at winner's for a wicked deal! they're both pretty much one size fits all, or at least, all 3 of us ;p dear elastic hemlines, you are great.)

- cream snake skin gladiator platform sandals (also got these for a crazy good deal! if i wasn't too lazy to post pictures, i would. suffice to say that the heels are so high that when i stepped in to a minor groove on the pavement, i almost broke my ankle hahahah. or perhaps, that is not a laughing matter? O_o)

i am also thinking of getting a pair of platform sandals from brown's (YES they opened a store at west edmonton mall!), they're unusually similar to a pair by stella mccartney... the only difference is that the heel is cork instead of wood and the rest of the detailing is dark brown instead of cream. you like? i am really into the towering giant effect right now hahaha













(photo jacked from the fashion archives)

can i work these? i think so, i have the funniest/weirdest stuff anyway...

OH, i also bought a strapless tiered bandage dress by calvin klein in an azure indigo blue made of a thick satin like material. i can't decide whether i should keep it since it fits/looks alot like a classic dress, but at the same time i can't help but agree with alda that it's a bit common at the same time. strangely enough, a major deciding factor seems to be that the dress weighs ALOT. ridiculous right? new shoes... or new dress. i can only justify one :X

on the downside, i have noticed the formation of a serious belly and love handle area in my mid section. this is so uncool, i hate cardio! nevertheless, i must commit to working out now or risk looking like a muffin top squeezed into... ugh, well, you get the point. i also hate dieting but don't want to turn into serena williams. what a terrible dilemma!