Wednesday, April 9, 2008

not just chills down your spine, but chills down to your toes

Having weird internal conflicts lately, but only my trio knows why. The added stress from the inevitable exam week isn't helping either - every morning I wake up ready to heave and drive to school thinking, "wow, the world really is black and white," and then every two hours I think to myself, "wow, another cigarette really wouldn't hurt right now," and then every night I roll around for at least an hour before I think "wow, I'm really glad that I bought this economy sized pack of sleep inducing allergy medicine!"

If someone were to describe something quite like this to me, I would, with quite a lot of certainty, tell them that perhaps their world, or maybe a vital artery, was about to collapse.

Yesterday (or was it today?) Maggie texted me asking if I was about to have a nervous breakdown and I laughed it off, but now that I think twice, maybe I should be on the lookout for the symptoms of one. At the moment I'm most thankful for having Tammy in my top 10 so that I can continue texting her random silly messages to keep my mind off things/find out where the next shoe sale is at (haha!) and only regretful that my top 10 doesn't extend to Vancouver :\ (sorry Mags).

What are the signs anyways? I think I may have had one once during my 2nd year of university, but it mostly consisted of me suddenly snapping and then laughing hysterically for a good hour before rolling off the bed and wandering off to wherever I was supposed to be next. Nothing too dangerous.

I recently read a manga where the protagonist had similar experiences and eventually it turned out that it was really the omen of death ahead. Apparently there was a death god following her around, setting up traps to kill her off! How mean! And sneaky. If I were faced with death, I don't think I'd appreciate it if it were to die by a falling flowerpot. Mind you, at this rate, I wouldn't appreciate death by any means because that would mean a great summer ahead wasted.

The funny thing is, since my last trip to Asia, if there are no pending travel plans ahead and I have nothing to look forward to, my mood will deteriorate to the point where I suddenly start partying too hard to sleeping too much. There's a term for this: REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK.

At this rate, I can only hope to finish school quickly so I can move away to Berlin (with Mags) and Japan (with... myself hahaha).

I wonder if I was painting something right now, what would I paint? I think a deep purple/black lump of coal? No, scratch that. I would paint bold beautiful colors in the background and then cover it with black crayon, like in the old days, where you would then proceed to scratch off the thick layer of black crayon to create a negative photo finished effect. Maybe I can convince someone to assist me in this endeavor. What would the subject be? I will have to think more about this...

It feels good to type all this... like vomiting self-centered psycho-babble, I know, but fuck it feels good. (Also a good way to procrastinate from having to edit this stupidass Classics paper.)

You know what's funny? How you can say that you don't want something so badly and then suddenly the tables are turned and you feel like you have to eat your words. Now that, that is an awful, stomach churning feeling. Perhaps this is the true reason behind my angst. I hate divulging too many details concerning other people since it's not really nice to post these things without their permission, so I will have to be discrete in getting my point across.

I suppose the direct translation of the term I'm thinking would be "flower heart". But it would sound stupid to say "I have a flower heart" so I won't. Or perhaps, it should be the butterfly who flies from one flower heart to the next and has lots of fun and kills all the flowers in the process after drinking all their nectar.

I'm not sure that makes sense, but I do know that I'm hungry. And that my throat is starting to hurt. Ugh...

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