homesick...

Perhaps it's still a bit early to jump to the word "homesick" but I can't really think of how else to describe it. A combination of remorse but not regret, longing but not pining, and an unusual state of being stuck in limbo.

Although I've always recognized that everyone needs time alone for self reflection and self emancipation, now is not one of those times for me. Or maybe it's been a long time coming, and now that it's here, I'm at a loss for how to handle it. To begin with, I don't feel like I'm doing a hell of a lot of self reflection, so in my mind, this is no different than dicking around unemployed.

I think the fact that I haven't really settled in makes things worse, since we don't move into our new place until October 1st. It's difficult to call a place home when you don't have your own space and a comfortable ritual to fall into. Although the usual wake up, wash your face, brush your teeth, etc morning ritual are still in place, it happens at different times of the day, and after that happens, my ritual falls apart and I'm not sure what to do with myself again.

I know that this can't be blamed on moving to Vancouver, but moreso that I've always been so busy keeping myself busy. In Edmonton, I never had fewer than 2 jobs at a time - working the 60 hour weeks, having the extra cash on hand - it was always a way to maintain a high strung, fast paced lifestyle. I never wanted to stay at home, and if I ever did, it was only a forced means of pacing myself for the next wind of non-stop activities to come.

In hindsight, maybe it's true what they say: this sort of lifestyle is incredibly draining on both your body and soul, and worst of all, you never know it until it's too late. I feel a pang of guilt knowing I've unknowingly imposed a persona of hard partying nights, gluttonous eating habits and excess unnecessary spending on my friends and those around me.

(image courtesy images.easyart.com)

I have never thought anything of ordering 10-20 shots in a row at a bar; to me, this was simply the norm and the quickest, funnest way to accomplish the small feat of getting everyone, who wanted to be drunk, utterly smashed. But when I think back about all the people who have called me or texted me the next morning telling me about how they spent the night with Princess Porcelain, I feel ashamed knowing that I felt proud to be that hard partying friend.

Trying to cut down on alcohol, but instead of feeling like I'm in control and limiting my drinking, I simply feel as though I'm holding back on what could be a spontaneous out of control night. To this day, regardless of how many embarrassing, stumbling, vomiting nights we've had, I still can't help but enjoy the humor and lack of inhibition associated with them.

Anyway, before this post gets any more morbid, I suppose I'd better head out and enjoy the sun while it lasts...

P.S. 

Oddly enough, I keep waking up with puffy eyes, or developing puffy eyes in the middle of the day. Can one cry without knowing it...?

Shoes of the day! Just got the Keep Benten Pretzels, check 'em out, they're super cute!!!

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(photo courtesy eukicks.com)